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New Report: Microscopic Scorpions Crawl On You While You Sleep

microscopic scorpion Phoenix, AZ—A study conducted by The University of Phoenix has found, that during an average night's sleep, some 300 microscopic scorpions unknowingly crawl across your face, neck, and body as you slumber. These microscopic scorpions, which look a lot like lint when bunched together, are confined to the State of Arizona; but researchers fear outbreaks in Texas, and isolated parts of Nevada and Southern Utah are inevitable. It’s important to note that these microscopic scorpions cannot sting humans, unlike their cousin the Bark Scorpion. Their stingers are simply too small. The University of Phoenix’s lead entomologist, a Klaus Meine, issued the following statement regarding the microscopic scorpions:
"As you sleep, you become a virtual playground for these creeping pests just mere minutes after you fall asleep; inhaling dozens of the scorpions and swallowing at least 20 during an eight-hour period."
It gets worse. Meine added,
“While these microscopic scorpions are drawn to the moist and humid areas of the nose and mouth, they will also spend each night birthing hundreds of their young in and around your armpits.”
There is one surefire way to tell if you have a microscopic scorpion infestation, Meine continued.
“Like all other scorpions, these microscopic scorpions give live birth. Victims who suffer from a microscopic scorpion infestation will awaken with scorpion afterbirth in their bed sheets. It’s about this time a victim should know they are not alone in bed.”
At this time homeowners in Arizona, Texas, Nevada, New Mexico and Utah should be on high alert. There is no known cure for the microscopic scorpions, as this is a new report.  

*** Update: The Horrifying Truth About Microscopic Scorpions

The truth is, microscopic scorpions are not real, and according to this report, we do not swallow scorpions, spiders, or any other insect while we sleep.

April Fools!